


however scary it may be, i’ll be there for you

by kevinwashington



Category: Metal Gear
Genre: Drug Mentions, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Raiden getting the love he deserves, Solidus being a SHIT excuse for a father and a human being
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-09
Updated: 2020-01-09
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:48:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22181323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kevinwashington/pseuds/kevinwashington
Summary: raiden’s always had nightmares, but tonight’s was worse than the others. he was used to dealing with them himself, but now that he had kevin, he didn’t have to do that.(aka the one that made me cry multiple times over writing it because i had to put raiden through shit he didn’t deserve to go through)
Relationships: Raiden/Kevin Washington
Comments: 1
Kudos: 21





	however scary it may be, i’ll be there for you

_Today was a special day. A very special day, in fact. It was Jack’s tenth birthday. He didn’t care, it was just one more year. But Solidus cared. He had something special waiting for him. A present._

_“Once we’re finished with this, you’ll get some cake,” he said to the young boy. “Just for you.”_

_Jack nodded. It was nice, he supposed. Any food was nice. He would take what he’d get. He didn’t know where Solidus was taking him, but it didn’t matter. Jack didn’t care._

—

Raiden turned over in his sleep. He couldn’t be still, tossing and turning endlessly. He was forever grateful that Kevin was a heavy sleeper. 

—

_“Happy birthday, Ripper.”_

_Jack wasn’t sure how much he liked his present. Ten Liberian rebels lined the wall. Apparently they had killed Americans, so they had to die._

_Solidus handed him a knife. His knife. “Here, it’s yours. Now blow out the candles.”_

_He smiled. Jack didn’t care. He would get cake out of this, that’s all that mattered. He walked up to the first rebel, pressing the blade against his neck gently. He looked scared. Jack slit his throat, and he didn’t care._

_One._

_“That’s it, boy. Keep going.”_

_Jack was ten years old today. He walked up to his second victim. He should’ve gotten a better present. He was Solidus’ favorite, wasn’t he? He slit the rebel’s throat. This didn’t matter. He didn’t care._

_Two._

_“Blow them all out or you don’t get your wish.”_

_Jack didn’t pay any mind to Solidus’ words. He moved on to his next victim. They were dead in seconds._

_Three._

_“That’s my little Jack the Ripper…”_

_Was Solidus proud? Jack didn’t wonder for long. It’s not like he cared. Three became four. Four became five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten._

—

Raiden’s breathing had become labored. He clawed the sheets beneath him, and even in his unconscious state, he looked _horrified._ He wasn’t crying. Yet. If he were awake, he’d be having a panic attack.

—

_“Eat up, Jack.”_

_Jack scrambled for the cake, grabbing the plate all too eagerly. He didn’t get a fork, so he just ate it with his hands. Weird, this cake was different than his other food. It wasn’t the same sort of bitter he was used to. It was medicinal, but not at all at the same time. Jack’s lips and throat went nearly numb, but he kept eating. He was so hungry. He didn’t care about this weird sensation, he just needed more food._

_Solidus laughed. “There’s more where that came from. You can have all of the cake you want.”_

_Jack ate until his stomach was sick. He couldn’t feel his lips anymore, but at least he was full. He was relaxed for once. He walked beside Solidus, quiet as usual._

_“You can rest once we get back to the barracks,” Solidus said. “You’ve earned it.”_

_“Thank you, sir.”_

_Solidus ruffled his hair. A rare act of affection. “Of course, Jackie. You’ve made me very proud today.”_

_Jack smiled faintly, a bit of happiness finally making its way to the surface._

_And then he collapsed. His legs completely gave out from under him, but he didn’t feel himself hit the ground. One moment he was standing, the next staring up at the sky. Jack couldn’t move. He felt entirely separated from his body, like his consciousness was adrift. His eyes were wide. He couldn’t move._

_“Jackie— shit!”_

_Was that concern? Solidus appeared over him, grabbing his shoulders. “Jackie, can you hear me?”_

_Yes, Jack thought._

_He stared at Solidus._

_“Jackie, for fuck’s sake, say something!”_

_Suddenly he was being moved. He didn’t know where, everything was a blur. Jack blinked. He was in a bed. Not his bed. This one was too nice._

_“He’s awake!”_

_Solidus. “Jackie, listen to me, okay? You’re going to be fine. You just got sick.”_

_He didn’t feel sick, but he couldn’t exactly say that. Jack could only stare._

_“Can you move?”_

_No, he thought._

_“Jackie?”_

_Jack hated that nickname._

_Solidus shook him. “Can you do anything?”_

_No. He couldn’t. Why couldn’t he?_

_The cake. There was something in the cake._

_“Jackie…”_

_Solidus’ voice echoed through his head._

_Jackie…_

_Jackie…_

_Jackie…_

“Babe? Hey, babe, c’mon…”

Raiden woke up with a jolt. He looked around frantically, his body on high alert. He felt a hand on his arm. _Kevin._

“Raiden, baby, are you okay?”

Raiden shook his head. “I...I…” Fuck, was he crying? He touched his face, his cheeks wet. Goddammit, not again. “I’m…”

Somehow, he was sitting upright. Kevin was beside him at first, but apparently thought that sitting in front of him was better. He took Raiden’s hands in his. Like always, he was gentle. Kevin always handled him with such care. Care he felt like he didn’t deserve. 

“Was it another nightmare?” Kevin asked. 

Raiden nodded. “Mhm...real bad too.”

“Wanna talk about it?”

“No. Yes. Maybe. I don’t want to burden you with my problems again.”

Kevin sighed. He moved one hand to Raiden’s face, fingers lightly brushing against his jaw. Raiden leaned into his touch, so _desperate_ for some form of softness. 

“You don’t burden me.” Kevin smiled. He looked exhausted, but if he was, he wasn’t saying anything. “I’m always happy to help, babe.”

“But-”

Kevin shushed him, pressing a finger against Raiden’s lips. “No ‘but’s. What kind of boyfriend would I be if I didn’t support you, huh?” 

Raiden frowned. “Yeah, but-”

“What did I just say?”

“Fine, you win. I just don’t know if I want to talk about it.”

Kevin placed a kiss on Raiden’s forehead. “Just take your time. If you want, I could make some coffee. Wasn’t really sleeping too well myself, you know how it is.”

Though the action was small, Raiden was almost inclined to believe in some sort of religion because of it. He gave it a bit more thought, then decided that he only believed in angels and that Kevin was one of them. He didn’t know who else he could treat such a broken man with such softness. “I’m alright. Sort of. Not exactly, but- whatever, you know what I meant.”

“Yeah, I do,” Kevin laughed. He sounded more tired than before. His poor, exhausted angel. “The offer on coffee still stands, by the way.”

“I don’t want any. Could you, um, hold me instead?” Raiden asked, looking away shyly.

Without hesitation, Kevin pulled Raiden into his lap. He wrapped his arms around Kevin and buried his face in his neck. Kevin rubbed his back slowly and kissed his temple. He laughed as Raiden buried his face further into his neck. “You’re awfully cute, y’know.”

“Shut up,” Raiden grumbled.

“Don’t be like that, baby. Anyways…” He moved Raiden closer to him. “Do you wanna talk about it now? Or do you wanna try to go back to bed?”

Raiden didn’t want to talk about his past, ever. It was something he wished he forgot. But he’d do it for Kevin. He deserved to know. He hadn’t judged him so far, and hopefully this time wasn’t different. After all, he did know that he was a child soldier. It probably wouldn’t change anything. 

“I’ll do it. It’s fine.” Raiden sat back, staring at Kevin for a few moments. Shame clawed at his insides, but he couldn’t let it get to him. “It was about my d- Solidus. It was about him. And me. I had just turned ten, and he said he had a ‘surprise’. I didn’t question it. Besides, I was getting cake after. Cake! I was so fucking excited.”

Raiden waited for a response, but Kevin said nothing. He just had a sad look on his face, eyes wet with tears. He had always been too emotional for his own good.

“Anyways, my special surprise wasn’t exactly what I was hoping it was. I guess I wanted a movie or something, but instead I...I got to kill ten rebels. Americans. With Solidus’ knife.”

“Oh, baby…” Kevin grabbed Raiden’s hand, holding it gently. Whether it was to ground Raiden or himself, he couldn’t tell. “I’m so sorry. You know you didn’t deserve that, right?”

Raiden didn’t say anything. In a way, he did feel like he deserved it. That was what he got for sucking up to Solidus, for chasing affection and love that was ultimately one-sided. It was his fault that he got so attached—

“Baby, listen. You were a _child._ Would you blame anyone else for that?”

Of course Kevin had noticed him thinking. He was never good at hiding that. “No, but-”

“But what? You’re no different. You might not think that, but it’s true. I promise.” Kevin rubbed circles into the back of Raiden’s hand. “Do you wanna continue?”

Raiden nodded. “Yeah...yeah. I do. Um, after that he took me somewhere I hadn’t been before. It was nicer in a way, but all I cared about was the cake. God, Kevin, I just devoured it…I ate until my stomach was sick. It was weird though, it didn’t really taste like anything I had before.”

Realization creeped its way up his spine and hit him without warning. The cake tasted different for a reason. Solidus had fed him something stronger. Ketamine. Much worse than toluene _._ But why? What would doing that gain? To keep him even _more_ sedated? Or was it just some fucking cruel experiment?

“Hey, what’s wrong?”

“It was ketamine,” Raiden whispered. “That’s why it tasted minty. He used a different drug on us usually, but this time...it was fucking _ketamine.”_

Kevin covered his mouth in what seemed to be horror. “Ket? He fed a kid _that?”_

Raiden just nodded. He had tried the drug before, on more than one occasion. He couldn’t say he was a fan. “After that I- he- the hallucinations that happened after were- I couldn’t move, I was stuck. It felt like my brain and body were separated. I couldn’t talk. And- and it was _his_ fault. He seemed concerned, but _why?_ He was the one who did that to me, on _purpose._ I- I just- oh, fuck…”

Kevin hugged him with such suddenness that it startled Raiden. But only for a moment. He melted into his embrace, hoping that _somehow_ he would forget everything he had been through by just being held by him. He didn’t notice it before, but now as he held onto him for dear life, he _felt_ Kevin crying. “That’s enough, honey, that’s enough…”

Raiden didn’t say anything. He couldn’t. If he opened his mouth, the only thing that would come out was a sob. So instead he listened to Kevin’s heartbeat as he rocked them back and forth. He sniffled, barely registering what Kevin was saying. All he could focus on was his heartbeat, the sound bringing him back to reality. He was home. He was in bed. He was safe.

Raiden didn’t know when he fell asleep, or how long he had been safely tucked into Kevin’s arms. But he knew he was loved, and that was all that mattered.

**Author's Note:**

> this took way too long to finish but i hope you guys enjoy it! kudos/comments appreciated as always!


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